apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
