wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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