Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
