Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
