mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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