He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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