Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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