I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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