Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
