Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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