she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
