I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
