I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
