We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
