there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
