Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
