Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
