I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
even my farts smell like vagina
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
