dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
