then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
