I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
