STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
