I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
