Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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