remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
