me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
