Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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