The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Randomize
