remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
