Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
