i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
