If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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