Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
