I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.