I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think your dad took our porno
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious