you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
