im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
