I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
