When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
