If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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