Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
