i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
