New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
