That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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