just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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