Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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