We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
foreskin is a definite game changer
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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