OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
it's like iHOP with fire
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
