Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
