It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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