if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
