If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
