she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
