all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
