Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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