you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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