Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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