whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
