We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
