You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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