i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
